Do You Know Bleach? Hosted by Ishida Uryu
by blangreck
Summary: What happens when Ishida, the quiny hosts a talk show with members of the Gotei 13? Nothing could possibly go wrong, thinks Ishida, well the Captains seem to be thinking otherwise.
1. Chapter 1: Yamamoto

Ishida: "Hello Folks! Welcome to the hit talk show 'Do you know Bleach?' with me, your host, Uryuu Ishida!"

Ishida: "Today, we are going to be interviewing the Gotei 13 about their lives!"

Ishida: "First off, we will be speaking to the leader of the Gotei 13 Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto, or better known as Old Man Yama to the rest of us."

*Yamamoto makes his way to the chair

Ishida: "So, tell me old man, how would you describe being the head of the Gotei 13?"

Yamamoto: "Like rocks in a valley, you must be patient."

Ishida: "What the...would you please repeat yourself?"

Yamamoto: "You must be the question, not answer it, padawan."

Ishida (frustrated): "Ok, look, if you're going to be on the show you need to stop with the philosophy crap and answer my questions, got it?"

Yamamoto: "That is not the answer you seek, four-eyes."

Ishida: "WHAT. DID. YOU. JUST. SAY!"

Yamamoto: "It is not what I said, but what you said, quincy fool."

Ishida: "Who the hell do you think you are? Yoda? Get the fu-

Yamamoto: "Watch your speech and all will become clear."

Ishida: "Security! Get this mother-"

Yamamoto: "Like grass in fire, they are dead."

Ishida: "What the-"

*Ishida looks at the security doors and sees two dead bodies.

Ishida: "How..When... Someone help me!"

Yamamoto: "Cars should not drive on railroad tracks"

Ishida: "What the f*** are you talking about?! And how did you kill-"

Yamamoto: "Rabbits will always prevail"

Ishida: "SHUT UP! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR WHACK-A** 'QUOTES' SO GET OFF MY SHOW!"

Yamamoto: "You own no show, for it is mine now."

Ishida: "Huh-"

*Ishida looks at the front of his desk and looks with shock at the letters **Yamamoto's Screw Around Time**

Ishida: "What the..."

*He suddenly faints and falls to the ground.

Ishida wakes up three minutes later and finds himself looking straight into the eyes of a security guard.

Security Guard: "Sir, you fainted-"

Ishida: NO, I don't want a damn explanation. Let's just get on with the show.


	2. Chapter 2: Hitsugaya

Ishida (whispering to security guard): "He's gone right? Are you sure? Okay well we are back with the hit talkshow 'Do you know Bleach?' Im your host Ishida Uryu, and i'm here with captain of division 10, Toshiro Hitsugaya!"

*Hitsugaya emerges from the back doors.

Hitsugaya: "Finally! I've been waiting all of my life to get on this show!

*Security suddenly stops Hitsuguya

Ishida: "Well, thank you, I mean that's t-the first compliment-"

Hitsugaya: "So I can tell everyone how much it SUCKS!"

Ishida: "Guards, you can...wait, what?"

Guard: "Hey, no kids on this talk show, got that shortie?"

Hitsugaya: "You little f***er, I'm a CAPTAIN I TELL YOU, A CAPTAIN! AND I'M NOT SHORT OR A KID..."

Guard (turning to Ishida): "Boss, you know this kid?"

Ishida: "Huh? O-oh no, no, I don't know that kid at all. He must be from the Maggot's Nest, you know, where they keep that Mayuri guy. Take him back."

Hitsugaya (as he is held still by ten guards and exting the building): "YOU LITTLE F**KER, I'LL KILL YOU! YOU CAN'T SEND ME TO MAYURI, HE'LL DISECT ME, PIECE BY PIECE.

Ishida (smiling): "I don't think it's disecting you should be worried about..."

Hitsugaya: "F**K YOU! YOU LITTLE PERVETED BI-"

*He is carried out of the building.

Ishida:"Well folks, it looks like we're at a commercial break time. We'll be back soon with Ichimaru Gin."

*The curtains fall temporarily...


	3. Chapter 3: Gin

Ishida: "Welcome back ladies and gentlemen!"

Ishida: "We will now be interviewing the wonder, Ichimaru Gin!"

*Ishida gayly walks onto stage, tripping and falling several times.

Ishida: "Gin, are you ok?"

Gin: "Helllloooo! I'm fine honey!"

Ishida: "Umm...Ok then, let's begin. And you might want to open your eyes"

Gin: "So you do find me attractive?!"

Ishida: "What? I didn't...nevermind. Gin, how did you feel about betraying the Gotei 13 and what-"

Gin: "Your legs are really nice, maybe we can, uh, take this to my house and-"

Ishida: "Look Gin, I know you're gay and all, but you need to really stop stroking my arms and legs. like now."

*Ishida looks awkwardly at Gin who is stroking Ishida's body.

Gin: "Oh sorryyyyyyy, I get carried away..."

*Gin removes arms from Ishida

Ishida: "Well it's ok, just-"

Gin: "I like, reallyyyyyy like your hair, can I just have it, you know?"

Ishida: "Uh no, you can't, but I suggest you get the hell off my talkshow you pedo-"

Gin: "You can't catch me silly cutie!"

Ishida: "Um, we kind just did."

*Gin looks down at hands which are handcuffed."

Gin: "Looks like you got me! But I'll be back Ishie!"

Ishida: "Ishie? What the-"

Gin: "And when I come back, I'll slit your throat and drink your blood, my love."

Ishida: "I don't-"

Gin: "ME NO HOMO!"

Gin: "I HAVE YOUR BODY ISHIDA!"

*Security guards escort him outside.

Ishida: "Well I think it's safe to say that he was on drugs..."

Ishida: "Anyway, we'll be back with Tousen when we return!"


	4. Chapter 4: Tousen

Ishida: Alright folks, we are back!

Ishida: We will now interview the infamous...Tousen!

*Tousen slowly makes way to stage, feeling objects around him for support.

Ishida: "Welcome Tousen!"

Tousen: "Shut yo white a** up, ok?"

Ishida: Umm, ok.

Ishida: So how do you feel about being blind?

Tousen: Ok, I see how it's gonna be, it's gonna be "pick on the blind guy cause he's blind" time.

Ishida: W-what? No! That's not-"

Tousen: Well I got a surprise for you! I'm ain't actually blind.

*Gasps from the crowd

Ishida: I beg your pardon? Y-you're not blind?

Tousen: Who do you think I am? Some blind black guy?! Well I'm not.

Ishida: If you're not blind then how many fingers am I holding up?

*holds up two fingers

Tousen: eleven, no, twelve?

Ishida: No Tousen, I was holding up two.

Tousen: Yo man, that's what I meant!

Ishida: But you said ele-

Tousen: Eleven and twelve is code for two, ya dumb NI**A!

Ishida: Uh-huh, and, oh let me guess, you're not black.

Tousen: Well no shit captain obvious!

Ishida: No, you're not telling me that you are white, because YOU ARE BLACK.

Tousen: What the hell are you talking about, son? I'm white and the rest of the Gotei 13 are black.

Ishida: GO LOOK IN A MIRROR!

*awkward silence

Ishida: Sorry, I didn't mean it like-

Tousen: Ni**a, you just crossed the line, like the mexican border line.

Ishida: Come on man-

Tousen: I AM GONNA BUST A CAP UP YO A** IF YOU DON'T TAKE-

Ishida: SECURITY!

*Tousen jumps onto Ishida and in a tangle of punches and kicks, Tousen's white bandanna and goggles are taken off.

Tousen: Wait man...IT'S A MIRACLE, I CAN SEE!

Ishida: Are you telling me that that bandanna and goggles were the only reason you couldn't see?

Tousen: HELL YEAH! I CAN SEE! YOU WERE RIGHT DORK-EYES, I AM BLACK! YES!

Ishida (to audience): I'm sorry, but is he not the stupidest black guy on this show?

Someone in crowd: He's the ONLY black guy on this show, besides that wierd cat lady.

Tousen: I FEEL SO ALIVE!

*he runs toward glass window

Ishida: Hey, what are you doing? You're gonna get yourself kill...Go for it!

Tousen: I'M BLACK, I CAN DO ANYTHING!

*Tousen breaks through glass and disappears from sight.

Ishida: So, I wonder if he realized we're on the seventeenth story?

_I'm making good progress, three down, just some more to go... _(Ishida thinks to himself)

Ishida: Well folks, we'll be back with Sajin Komamura when we return from the break!


End file.
